Me and Satan are like that [holds up left hand, first two fingers crossed] and, unlike me, he loves this time of year, waxing lyrical about the joy it brings him every time the damn festive season rolls around.
Well, I guess it makes sense if you look at it from his perspective.
Humanity needs no help from Satan to sin on Christmas day. So, he takes a well-earned break from evil-doing for the whole day and just chills with his best girl, Lilith, mistress of abortions and Adam’s ex.
They do all of their favourite things, such as shooting up speed balls, engaging in demonically epic sex sessions, and eating and drinking all of the world’s finest.
Then comes Satan’s favourite part of the festive fun.
Laid out together on a vast bed, these connoisseurs of sin observe all of people’s Christmas misdeeds, starting with unbridled materialism and the solemn teaching of it to the young. This is accompanied by the whole gamut of seasonal bad behaviour: over-indulgence in everything, greed, arguments in every home, drunkenness, envy, anger, disappointment, aggression, irritation, discord, ingratitude. And that’s in addition to all the usual stuff that goes on every single moment of every single day, but on this particular occasion, half the world is very drunk and massively stressed out.
Also, he’s amused by the fact that the church, having stolen a pagan festival, has now lost control of the whole thing. ‘Christians’ are much more likely to be in the mall than church at this time of year, getting ready to give their fat children armfuls of useless stuff to add to the land fill, while children in the other half of the world starve.
Wrong grotto, kids
There’s only two things about the day that annoy him. Firstly, he gets tonnes of misspelt children’s letters to Santa – he uses them to light his Cuban cigars, so lemons and lemonade, I suppose. The other thing he loathes, he always tells me, is The Queen’s Speech at 3pm on the BBC which he refuses to watch as he feels those shape-shifting reptoids are trying to muscle in on his act.
So, on Christmas day, when you’re fighting with your family and feeling sick from all the processed crap you’ve forced into your bodies and given toys to the kids that you know will be unappreciated and quickly broken, and you’re swigging your way through a whole bottle of sherry in the vain hope that it’ll make it all go away, remember this: Satan and Lilith are having the time of their lives.
By Perzefeni Diz
Follow her on Twitter @PerzefeniDiz.
Brought to your attention by Harbinger451.
Follow him on Twitter @harbinger451.
Copyright © 2013 Perzefini Diz & Harbinger451 – All Rights Reserved
Harbinger451's ... an Alternative Blog 